i am so sick. of this

i dislike depending on people.
i dislike people hurrying me.
i dislike.

and everytime either one calls me to ask where the toot i am,
i am so sick of answering.
i am so sick of telling.
i am so sick of explaining.

and this happens EVERYTIME i take either car.
its starting to annoy the living shit out of me.

and today i came up with something.
its easier this way.
i wont use either cars.
just give me money and i will take taxi.
even though i am paranoid about all this and am already not use to siting in a cab,
i will.
to stop them buzzing in my ear.

it just comes to a point where you dont want to hear anymore.
my time has come.
leave me alone.

now listening to this song.
i really am trading my pain.
for the joy of the lord.
:)

i am happy.

i am using my kor's notebook now.
and the reason i am happy?
well, everything is back to normal.
i mean it doesnt feel awkward now.
at least i dont feel.
and i am sure he doesnt feel that way too.
cos i know when he is.

as there werent any conversations about a month ago to minimal talking to now.
not bad.
it is getting better.
and i hope it picks up from here.
cos i miss him.
i miss acting goofy around him, making him carry me, pulling his hair and doing nonsense.
so yes, im happy.
well it was time i guess.
i mean having a sister around the house but not talking to her is weird, dont you think?
well, it was.
having a brother i see in the house but not having conversations with him was weird, very!

so i am happy now. :)
very.

low-effort thinking, writing.

i was watching CNN in the gym while i was on the threadmill.
and it was news in baghdad.
as there were no sound from the tv, i didnt know what they were saying.
but i see these bunch of children in a house or hospital (im guessing) who were lying on the floor naked.
they had no clothes.
such a sad thing to watch in the gym.

but with songs like "the way i are" that was being played.
my tears rolled back in and i didnt cry.

........... on a different topic

there was something i wanted to blog about BUT now i forgot.
i was thinking about it in the car, as i do not drive and it gets boring when you sit behind alone and cant get to play music loudly.

so i was telling dad that since the driver is of no use
(note: dad doesnt like to have a driver. he complains so much about him)
i mentioned, how about getting me a car instead?
lets save lifes here! :)

........... on a different topic

lately i forgot the meaning of 'feeling'.
its like i lost it or someone stole it from me.

........... on a different topic

there's this 'dude ass' in the gym who has been trying to ask me out.
(note: i call guys that, not out of anything. its just easier to pronounce)
and he was bugging me for my number, and no i didnt give.
and next thing i know, he calls me.
for crying out loud, i am just a friend.
and he's been calling me baby this baby that.
its like yo mama!

oh wait now i remembered what i wanted to blog, that i FORGOT.
i have lost the meaning of 'baby'.
thats it!
i mean, according to the dictionary, i am certain it does not read this.
"baby - over grown child"
and so why do we call people baby?
i mean, the fact that this dude ass has been calling me that,
i am bored of it already.
i dont find it special.
well, i'd rather you call me by my name.
i mean, its simple and meaningful when said with "full of emotions"
hahahahha!
bly me. :)

........... on a different topic

i dont know if i am being plain lazy or what.
but i just find that life has been boring.
as its so rountine-ized, and no sparkles la.
its like BORINGGGGGGGGGG.
with so many G's.

maybe i should continue watching L word and be done with season 2.

a happy one maybe? - christmas in a month.

and a LOT can be my update.
a lot has been happening.

so i must say.
i went to the elephant conversation centre last week.
and i bought this top, it reads
"fat is beautiful"
damn they got it right! :)

so i must also say.
i went for ear candling yesterday.
and it was my first time with mother darling.
nana che was saying "the kakas colour is like 'hamm tan' colour"
now that was a joke.
i also went for pedicure after what seems like ages.
no i mean ages!
maybe a month plus.
i couldnt do mani.
and i shall not state the not so obvious. :(
mother darling says, "i will come and do arcylic for christmas"
i said, "WE WILL COME AND DO ARCYLIC FOR CHRISTMAS"
and its an A okay.

so i must also say.
i just checked my date.
its 25 nov. 2007.
and ahem!
i rather wait.
and i am being patient.
i dont want it to come and go.
i want it to last.

so i must also say.
my style of saying "oh my lord, the assignments is mad"
due dates are of utter bullshit.
i cant tolerate!
to make me feel better,
"gah, i am least bothered!"

so i must also say.
in a week, it would be the one year anniversary.
so if all the months werent counted,
what makes a year so hella special?
but im expecting, a lot.
and boy dont you blame me.
i am a girl. :)

so i must also say.
the baggage i was carrying is going already.
we stood at the counter,
"we cant do body massage, we're carrying our bags"
so bye bye!

and the rest is left un-typed.
for i am lazy.

i will survive

i am in a daze.....

i dont feel like thinking, i dont see a point.
i dont see why it was a must?, i dont see a point.
i dont understand, i dont see a point.
i dont feel what i am suppose to feel, i dont see a point.
i dont want to know, i dont see a point.

the 'dont'S' is an overload.
i am lost.

like hello information overload?
or rather,
gah,i am not bothered?

with the question mark, maybe i am.
i am disgusted.
i wish i never saw.

was it?
some things are better left unseen,untold,unheard.
i hate relationships like this.
i HATE.

maybe the swings are making me like this.
maybe NOT.

dont i deserve better if not the best?
i give up.

oh and when i was praying,....while being stubborn
these words reached me.
"harden not your hearts"
and i did as heard, spoken by god.

maybe i should resort to being otherway.
i am sick of men.
their stupidity.
their immaturity.
their rubbish.

i need someone who can intellectually challenge me.
BUT i dont need a man.
i need a hero.

excuse the nonsense.
i am sure it was good.

i forgot thursday was 'khamis' in bahasa melayu.

so christmas is still a month plus away but i have been thinking about it, very much.

i wish i could be free, once again.

bodo.

i was angry.
so i threw my handphone.

as usual, my handphone would be in pieces.
BUT it'd be fine when i switched it on.
thats the USUAL.

yesterday, UNUSUAL happened.
after gathering all the bits and pieces of my handphone,
i realised my screen cracked.
and i couldnt see anything.

so i told mom the handphone dropped from the table.
she knew best.
"fought with him and then you threw your handphone is it?"
"yes i did"
"okay we go buy phone later"

and i got a new handphone.
it was time. :)

random.

where: TGIF, section 14
why: happy hour and dinner
who: mom,dad,edwin,myself
when: last night

so at the bar, we were playing BINGO.
edwin and i had to teach mom and dad.
and we started, edwin, dad and myself.
mom was too lazy to draw tables and boxes.
we started with BINGO of 25.
then dad said lets do 36 numbers, and it moved on to 49 numbers.
so while playing BINGO 25...

edwin: number 19.
dad: wait!
me: hurry up la. all so slow!
dad: i dont have 19.
*everyone starts laughing*
mom: daddy your number 19 is there. *points and shows him*
me: we are playing BINGO. how can you not have it?

so moving on.....
it was addictive,very.
and we started betting.
edwin's brilliant idea!
it started with rm 1.
moved on to rm 2 and rm 5, rm 10, rm 20.
and it stopped there.

i said we will stop playing at 10.30.
everyone agreed.
after the last round, there was another round.
and the last was 5 rounds.

as usual,the fridays would do their *ringing of the bell* then shouting, "last call for whatsoever"
and since we are regulars and were making a scene at the bar.
they ran the bell, shouted "last call for BINGO!"

still it didnt end.
so we were playing last round.
pool had rm 90.
and so we started BINGO 49.
while calling out numbers...i realised that edwin and i placed our numbers the same way

me: *starts lauging* i think we have the same arrangments.
edwin: stop looking la.
me: number 17. *looking at edwin who was smiling*
edwin: *starts laughing*
me: shit! how am i going to BINGO?
edwin: *laughing*

conclusion, he won.
but we BINGO-ed together.
he deserves the money after all.
cos he lost quite a lot.
so at least half of his model, he won.
i won rm 50 plus.
alright,im happy with it.

all in all, we enjoyed it.
and i would never trade anything for spending time with the LEWIS!

thinking

sometimes i wonder,
was i that bad?
was i that mean?
was i that evil?
WAS I?

then i say,
its too late to apologise.

and i pray so hard that the week ahead will be good.
i already sense the fighting.
whats new?
he is going to be drinking.
and this has been a routine.
i scold him from the time
we leave the club and get into the car,
and i drive while he falls off to sleep,
till i park when i reach home,
and wake him up,
pull him inside the house,
while he takes his shoes off,
and goes in the room
and just plonk on the bed
and doze off.

and stupid me wont stop till i fall asleep.
come to think about it,
its quite dumb.
he is drunk.
he doesnt know anything.
he doesnt remember anything.
while i go on and on and on and on........

so at the computer,
mother darling comes home.
and she stops by to give me the college cheque.
and then she takes out this envelope.
on it, it reads Irene Lewis Jessica.
mother darling's writing.
so i open it.
and i see this sand art i did for mother like ions ago.
its a dolphin smiling.
and i think i was really young when i did it.
in the back reads
"my dearest Irene, congratulations on your excellent results. keep up the good work and god bless you always in your studies! *mothers signature face* love love always, dad and mum"
and then there's this something wrapped in paper.
i unfolded it and see a stack of money.
was wondering if dad was going to do his :
A = rm50
B = rm100
C = rm150
D = rm200
to my surprise, i got way more than i expected.
maybe after the whole "drama ma bob happened" they realised i lost it all.
so i was thinking, what should i do with the money?
A) save it for christmas
B) use it now
and i still dont know.....

la la la la la......

sexual.healing

i was reading a mail, a pretty nice forwarded one.
and one part said this:

there are 4 things you cannot recover
the stone... after the throw
the word... after its said
the ocassion... after the lost
the time... after its gone

and then i realised i am darn good at number 2.
sigh.

_____

yesterday i spent my day and night with my bestie.
and these are the moments i wish would never end.
it went out of the routine, no hair wash.
but we still spent quality best friends time.

_____

i was telling mother that when i get married,
i would ride a donkey to church.
i dont want to go in a car or a bike.
then mother said i should start feeding the donkey then.
it needs to be fed so that in 5 years time,
it is set to go.
....i love stupid conversations like this

_____

its weekend.
i cant wait to pig out.